The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
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10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya