My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
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clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Got ya covered
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”