Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
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Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
When I can’t barge, I careen.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?