[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
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“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
My zodiac sign is pistachio
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
What
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer