i’m laughing very hard in real life
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All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.