#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
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Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Sending in my taxes
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Brands during Pride
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.