Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
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WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
I was up all night reading about insomnia
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets