Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
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kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
WHO DID THIS?
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.