Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
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moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.