Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
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“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.