“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
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You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”