[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
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[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Worth remembering.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers