Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
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[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.