gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
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Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
this chia pet tastes awful
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol