-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
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Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
“what that mouth do?” complain
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again