mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
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If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.