“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
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doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
I found your tweet-up…
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.