Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
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No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Jail
good work, everybody
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t