Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
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Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Does this dress make me look cat?
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
figuring out my emotional availability:
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
this FaceApp is creepy af
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Wise advice
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*