masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
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The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
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Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions