<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
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wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.