I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
You Might Also Like
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!