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Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”