“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
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It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Sign at work today
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Me when my alarm goes off
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed