[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
You Might Also Like
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’