I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
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All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Finally, a door that understands me
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant