If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
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“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.