Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
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[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
I never needed anything more in my life
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it