N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
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THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.