I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
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Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell