You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
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*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?