me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
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I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers