Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
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A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Time for evil
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Happy birthday to all the women