My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
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If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave