I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
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[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
WTF
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*