I think the cat got the dog high.
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Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
#ConfessToAubry
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I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.