Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
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[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.