Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
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I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
incredible text to wake up to
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so