My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
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Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Perfect
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Yup
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*