*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
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Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
an octopus is just a wet spider
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
How animals would run if they were human
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective