a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
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Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Hmmmmm
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.