Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
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Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
water it, i dare you
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text