Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
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Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
just gave your address to some spiders
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet