A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
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Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Pass gas, not judgment.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.