Attention children:
Mom is closed.
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quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”