Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
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You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
What if the weather talks about us?
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery