Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
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If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.