“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
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god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Tony Hawk, age 6
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
*3.5 thank you very much.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Pretty certain I can more drunk
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog