Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
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*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
This was the best day of my life
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
I can’t be the only one 😂
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.