When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
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If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.